My great grandfather was a photographer. He took a picture of my grandmother every day of the first year of her life. For the record, that was a 365 project between 1917 and 1918. Remind me not to complain about printing costs from my digital camera anymore.

Looking back at these pictures makes me feel so connected to my mom’s side of the family. As close as I am to my father’s side of the family, my maternal family felt far more real to me throughout my childhood. Of course there was the physical reality of them being in Colorado with me, a very regular part of my life. My aunt, with whom I am so very close now, was only a periodic presence in my childhood, an often unexpected surprise every year or two.

The picture just above of my grandmother (Nana) was in my living room all through my childhood. I remember constantly asking my mom if it was a picture of me, because, as psychologists and developmental specialists love to remind parents, children are self centered and cannot conceive of a world without them in it. Certainly I could not put this picture of a beautiful child my own age together with my papery skinned, absent minded Nana.

Of all of the pictures of my Nana, this is the one that most resembles the way I remember her looking. She was a beautiful woman, who was doted upon by her father. As I think about the pictures that I long to take, of the children that I interact with, of the people in my world, and of the places around me, I can’t help but think about how wonderful it must have felt for my grandmother, knowing that her father thought her so beautiful, and that he loved her so much that he would expend these resources on her regularly.

I hope that someday I am able to show my children that I love them in a similar way.

Dan pointed out to me that it has been over two weeks since my last blog post. It didn’t seem so long to me until I thought about the fact that my last three posts are hovering in draft purgatory.

There’s been a lot going on recently, none of which is interesting to anyone except me (though I am as always, grateful to my always-ready-to-listen boyfriend, roommate and friends). I’ve been taking a lot of pictures. It’s amazing how the weight of my camera becomes unnoticeable when I think about the amazing images I’ve been able to capture over the last two weeks.

It’s been too cold to venture out, except when absolutely necessary. I feel like a wimp when I talk to the friends in Boston, Providence and Denver whose daily temperature has yet to rise out of the teens in the last couple of days (we are consistently getting a high at least above 32). Still, when it is so cold out that I don’t take my camera out for fear of damaging the working bits, that is when my fantasies of moving to someplace sunny and warm come out to play.

I visited Pitzer College in March of 2000. Let me tell you, it was pretty awesome to get on a plane in freezing weather, and get off of the plane in balmy perfect 60 degree weather.

Which is just another long winded explanation for why I haven’t felt like doing anything except hibernating recently.

Something over the last couple of weeks has finally registered with me. I am an adult, and it is time for me to revel in that. What that means for me most concretely right now is that I want to come out from under the debt that I have developed over the last year. It is substantial considering my income, and I don’t think I will be able to truly enjoy the life that I have created for myself until I have dealt with it.

It was with a general “debt free” goal that I took my second and a half job this past fall. Yet somehow… the money never ended up going where it was supposed to. If I had to pick one of my new years goals which is most important to me, it will be the issue of making and keeping a budget. I have been out of college for too long to continue living the way I did right when I graduated and having a paycheck was a novelty. I need to be able to have more than the minimum in my account after I’ve paid my bills every month. And I need to stop being scared of my bills, scared of whether or not I will be able to pay for my medications, and guilty about wanting to eat out every once in awhile.

So I am perched on the verge of taking my third job. Because I was not particularly intelligent over the last six months. I moved into an apartment I couldn’t really afford, because the emotional strain of staying where I was at the time made my brain boil a little bit. I made a couple of purchases I shouldn’t have, and though I still don’t regret them, they have not made my life any easier. I moved again, into a place which is less expensive, but the process of moving tends to eat up at least one paycheck.

So here I am, settled into the new place, comfortable in my skin and mind, and I need to move forward. At some point in the next five years I would like to be able to think about buying my own place. At some point in the next ten years I would like to be able to think about starting a family. And at some point in my life I will need to send my kid(s) to college, and I will want to be able to retire, and relax, some day.

I have yet to “do the numbers” as they say on Marketplace, but my hope is that if I can stick to a frugal budget and hold steady for a year that I can make a significant dent in the amount of my money that is not mine. It’s probably not going to be a lot of fun, but it’s what I need to do.